I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
