after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
