i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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