My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
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The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.