my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES