To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
