i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
