she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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