Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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