I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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