Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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