FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Randomize
