he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
