so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
