Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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