Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
