Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need water and some morals
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
