I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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