Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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