How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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