The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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