I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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