well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it hurts more in the daytime
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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