I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I faked an abortion last night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
