I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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