yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize