Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
