a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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