i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
