When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
