We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
