I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
