Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
