Heybabeimwearingurpanties
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I skipped work to stalk him.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
