Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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