my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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