so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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