the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
