you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
