Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
