The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
