alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
