just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
