I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
