You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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