Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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