a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
