Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why did my mother make you get naked?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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