he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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