WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
