just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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