I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
