I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
