Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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