We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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